I'll BE YOUR BEARD IF YOU'LL BE MY PANTYHOSE

WHY I ALMOST MARRIED MY GAY BEST FRIEND

[AND WHY I'M SO HAPPY I DIDN'T!]

The Mormon expectations for marriage and family are both impossible and unyielding to MoHo's (Mormon Homosexuals). In order to be a member of the church in good standing (with the hierarchy and the community) you've got to:

1. Marry someone of the opposite sex or
2. Be celibate. 

Period. That's it. If you're gay, you're fucked (and NEVER in a way you'd like to be!). Your only option is misery, you just get to choose if you're going to be miserable alone or with a buddy.

The only other option is to be excommunicated or leave the church on your own. To those who didn't grow up Mormon, door #3 seems like the obvious answer. Why stay when your community doesn't give you any viable options? When it's obvious they're not okay with you?  

MoHo's on the other hand understand what's at stake with option #3. This is my own personal list. 

• Your Family
• Your Friends
• Your education or your job (if you go to BYU, they'll kick your ass out). 
• Your sense of self (Mormonism is more a way of life than just a religion)
• Your ticket to heaven (you're taught denying the church is worse than never knowing about it at all)
• Your purpose (all that time and effort spent, all the tithing and temple sessions, the reason you've been doing whatever it is you do every day)

In one moment. With one decision. It could all be gone. You'll be forced to start from scratch.

That's why, as a MoHo, I was hell bent on fulfilling option #1 or #2 for so long. 

I've been there.

I'd been asking myself that miserably complicated question for YEARS!
"How the hell am I gonna marry a man when I'm a GIANT. DYKIE. LESBIAN?!"

By marrying a GAY man, of course!

[No please, don't. Just keep reading]

If we are both going to spend the rest of our lives miserable anyway... why not do it together? At least he understands what I'm dealing with. He likes boys, I like girls. We won't ever have sex [But that's ok, we grew up Mormon and we're used to suppressing that need], maybe we'll adopt some kids.

We'll be obedient, included, self-denying and in that closet forever!... [well at least until we die, because a lot of the Mormon leadership is certain that any gayness is "cured" in the afterlife. Which brings us to a 4th option that I don't actually want to get into right now because it deserves it's own post.]

JOE IS EASY TO LOVE...

He's quirky and kind; intelligent, gentle, adorable, absolutely HILARIOUS! 

AND OH! SO! GAY! 

We met in Provo, UT several years ago. He was dating my best friend (and love interest) at the time. A few years later Joe and I ended up getting engaged, but broke it off soon after. 

Together we journeyed from having a deep seated conviction to conform to our community's expectations... to making the choice to leave the church and be true to ourselves and rebuild our lives as  HAPPY Gay Ex-Mormons. 

These videos are an interview we did a few years ago explaining some of the details of our story in an effort to help others who struggle with similar circumstances. The videos were made in response to several gay suicides, as a type of  "It Gets Better" collection for gay Mormons. It was a 3 hour interview edited into a few ten minute segments. 

Disclaimer: The final segment feels like a cliff hanger... I'll do my best to finish the story below.

I think one of the most important parts in this video was when Joe says 

"losing my testimony of the Church was more healing than anything else." 

I completely agree. I think it was healing because the issue was no longer our morality, but the integrity of the Church and it's leaders. It's so much easier to walk away confident in your own worth and potential when you find out you've been living inside a make believe world of constant contradiction and double standards. 

The more we talked about the issues we had with the church and the more we studied it's history and doctrine, the more we came to realize that we'd been bamboozled. We felt betrayed and lied to. We were devastated. We were angry! 

But we were also relieved that we didn't have any reason to marry each other!

Out of devastation grew the courage we needed to walk away from Mormonism. When you see the man behind the curtain, he can tell you you're going to hell, and suddenly it's easy to flip him off and walk the other way. 

The community I'd been so afraid to lose; the place I was raised and for so long sought refuge and safety in, all at once felt like a vat of poison and misery that was trying to swallow me whole.

The most peaceful moment in my life was the day I told my bishop I was leaving the church. 

I told him "this is so weird. I was told if I ever left the Church I'd feel horrible inside. Instead I'm calm and at peace with myself. It's the most amazing feeling I've ever had in my life."

I came out to my parents in a letter and we've had several conversations over the years since then. We don't agree on everything but they're very supportive of me and very welcoming to my girlfriend. My siblings are totally cool with the gay thing [They were like duh! We know!] They stick up for me at church and with their friends and extended family members.

For Joe and I, losing our community and many of our friends when we left the Church was painful, but not debilitating. We've been able to replace them with others who allow us to be ourselves. 

Rebuilding a spiritual foundation has been a tricky and slow process, but we're not in a hurry and have little interest in any sort of religious experience. We've learned that purpose doesn't come from religious dogma or doctrine, but in our caring relationships and sharing our experience and journey with others. 

We're Gay and ex-mormon [and by the grace of whatever, not married to each other]

And Life is Fabulous.